


Of Lifetimes, Regret, and Living

by cadkitten



Category: X JAPAN
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Gen, Love Confessions, M/M, Regret, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-04
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-02-03 09:29:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1739702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a million and one regrets in every lifetime. What matters are the ones you refuse to let pass you by, the ones you make the extra effort to change before it becomes too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Lifetimes, Regret, and Living

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cherrylng](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrylng/gifts).



> Theme: catching up  
> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "눈, 코, 입" by Taeyang

Yoshiki sat on the peach colored couch in his living room, one white jean-clad leg crossed over the other. His bare foot bounced faintly in time to a tune that only he could hear as his fingertip traced the edge of the elegant china cup in his hand. His face was unfocused, his thoughts obviously more inward than on what was going on around him. The contents of his cup had long since cooled, leaving him unlikely to drink the liquid within. Even the delicate sandwich he'd left upon the plate in front of him had long-since dulled from the beauty it had once been, the lettuce leaf within drooping faintly and the Swiss cheese turning clearer than the white it had once been around the edges, indicating the temperature change since it'd been placed there.

Slipping his eyes closed, he finally took in a deep breath, easing it out within the hint of a sigh as he shifted forward and placed the cup upon the tiny platter and then settling back. Long fingers curled around the edge of the couch instead, lightly gripping the fabric as he gritted his teeth. His thoughts were floating over the years as they often did, the losses and the rough spots, the kinks he'd yet to iron out, and the places he could have - no should have - done better. He did it often to himself, even knowing he shouldn't. But some things were never going to be resolved and resolution was everything for Yoshiki. Without it, he would dwell on the same moments again and again.

Releasing the couch, he opened his eyes and reached onto the cushion beside him, lifting his phone from beside him. With deft fingers, he unlocked the screen and flicked open the screen to choose his contact, pulling up Toshi. Before he could second-guess himself, he pressed the little phone-shaped icon and held the device to his ear, waiting with what could only be described as bated breath.

He counted the number of times the phone rung, his thumb slipping down to hover over the cancel button to disconnect should it shunt him over to voicemail. But on the last ring, Toshi's breathless voice came over the line, "Hello?" The singer sounded like he'd been running a marathon and for a moment Yoshiki smirked, wondering just what he'd interrupted.

"And what have _you_ been doing?" he questioned quietly, the hand that had formerly been giving the couch a good amount of abuse it didn't deserve moved down to his thigh to idly pick at the invisible dog hairs upon his leg.

"Nothing nearly as fun as you seem to think." There was a chuckle and then the sound of bed springs in a way that implied someone had just set down. "Just got to a hotel. I ah... well, I'm in Los Angeles, actually."

For a moment, Yoshiki paused, a pang of pain that the other hadn't told him lancing through his chest. But then again after the last time they'd talked, how could he have expected him to? Those regrets welled up within him again and this time he didn't tamp them down in the least. "You-" he didn't get far though, Toshi obviously sensing the length of the silence proceeding his words to be a hard descriptor of how the drummer felt right then. 

"Don't you even start thinking I wasn't going to tell you." The springs of the bed shifted again and the pitch of Toshi's voice changed, making it obvious he'd laid back on the mattress. "I intended to let you know tomorrow when I wasn't jet-lagged as hell. But it seems you have a sixth sense that I'm around."

"It wasn't that," Yoshiki breathed out, not believing he was actually going to go through with this. "Look... please tell me you have a free day in the next week to come see me. Even just... for a few hours." He pushed himself up off the couch, crossing the stone floor to stand near the huge bay windows looking out into the backyard where his cherry tree was in full bloom. His fingertips lightly brushed the glass for a moment before he turned his back on the scene, his gaze finding the photograph of the band from the day they'd first started recording so very long ago. "Please." The tone of his voice was hard to miss, the touch of desperation coupled with the pain of a lifetime bubbling up within the words.

There was silence on the other end for a moment and then, finally, "How about tonight then? Say... eight. It'll give me a few hours of sleep and time to shower before I show up smelling like a plane full of other people."

"You don't have-"

"I am well aware of that and I'm a grown man," Toshi chided in return. "Let me make my decisions." His grin was evident even through his words, the tone of annoyance a false one to blanket it in just the ways Yoshiki was familiar with.

"Yeah... okay. Eight it is, then. It'll be here if you remember where exactly here is." Yoshiki was already making his way toward the kitchen to notify his help there'd be two for dinner tonight. The lovely American girl in her twenties was the best cook he'd ever had on staff and he did his best to keep things pleasant for her so maybe - just maybe - she'd stay a while.

"Of course I remember. See you then."

The line went dead without another word and Yoshiki sighed, pushing the device into his pocket as he stepped into the kitchen, intent on changing the way his life had worked for the past thirty or so years.

\-------

Hours later, the soft chiming sound of the doorbell went off and Yoshiki went to answer it himself rather than having anyone else do it for him. He was expecting Toshi, so it wouldn't be any of the random people who had somehow followed him home over the years. It had taken him a long time to learn that the United States was a completely different culture in that respect and that the stalking of celebrities by press was somehow more commonplace than it had been in Japan. There he could walk down the street in sunglasses and people would probably understand who he was but not approach... or if they did it would be in a kind sort of way, just to offer a pleased smile or a little wave, once in a while quietly ask for a photo with him. But here it was a whole other ballgame. People following him home and staying outside the fence just to get some tabloid story that they'd seen his naked torso in the window or that he'd decided to take a dip in the pool in the nude. Fortunately, he usually headed all of that off at the pass by being as polite as possible and just gently asking them if they could leave as he liked his privacy. Usually, they did.

Tonight, when he opened the door, he found Toshi standing on the other side, the man still looking tired but not nearly as much he probably had when Yoshiki had originally called him. They stood there for a moment before Yoshiki reached to embrace the other, their arms sliding around one another for a brief point in time. Once they had parted, Yoshiki stepped back to allow him inside, the other instantly going to take a knee and remove his shoes.

"I hope it's not any inconvenience, I've just chosen not to use slippers here in the states." Yoshiki lifted one foot to show his well-manicured toes. "Little point when the carpet feels so nice anyway."

Toshi removed his shoes and then his socks, finally standing and slipping off the leather jacket he'd been wearing and hanging it on the empty hook next to Yoshiki's favorite jacket. "I can deal with that, I think." There was a hint of lightness in his voice that Yoshiki found he'd missed.

Leading the way toward the dining room, Yoshiki padded off. "I'm just going to get this out of the way, right up front. I feel it necessary to apologize for how we last spoke before today. I was in a hell of a place, but it's no excuse."

"I've already forgiven it long ago, though I suspect it may be time you forgive yourself as well." Toshi moved to settle in the spot Yoshiki indicated, the drummer settling in his own chair just across from Toshi. Already a small salad of kale, tomato, and mozzarella sat in front of each place, a blush wine poured for them each and water glasses just beside.

"Perhaps so." Yoshiki folded his napkin into his lap and sent off a brief thanks to the universe for his meal before he picked up his fork and began to delicately sample the salad. He'd made this part himself and relief flooded him that he'd done it right.

"You have more to this than that. The tone of your voice made that more than a tad bit obvious earlier," Toshi intoned, his eyes flicking up to meet Yoshiki's own across the table, his wine glass already at his lips.

Still, the drummer remained silent through the rest of his salad, only choosing to speak once they were both done with that much of the dinner at least. He took a sip of his water and then crossed one slim leg over the other. "Can you count your regrets on one hand, Toshi, maybe two? Or are they more in number than that?"

The vocalist leveled his gaze on the slender man before him. "I believe in working through my regrets until they are as small in number as they could possibly be." He held up his finger to indicate he wasn't done when Yoshiki opened his mouth. "But that doesn't mean I don't still have a good few that could never be worked out. hide for example..." he hated to bring it up and that much was obvious in his gaze as he studied the other across the table. The pain of that wound would probably be forever fresh for them all.

"There are some we cannot counter, but there are others we can change." Even as the young woman Yoshiki kept around the house to help came to deliver their main course - a delicate fish in a very light sauce and steamed vegetables - he simply continued to watch Toshi. Once she had departed the room, he let the words flow for the first time in all these years. "I've kept it from you for a long time and it's caused a good deal of the tension that has come between us. My own foolish ideals of what I should and should not present to you got in the way more than once, but tonight I won't let them." Reaching one slim hand across the table, he rested it upon Toshi's own, thumb lightly stroking over the ring he remembered the whole band had long ago had a say in Toshi getting, the other asking everyone's opinions on it. In the end, the vocalist had gone with Yoshiki's opinion and ordered this one, a single ring that rarely left his finger and perhaps a clue that Yoshiki had ignored for years.

"In all these years that we've known one another, I've held a flame for you, one I have been unable to extinguish in all this time." He paused there, his gaze locked with the vocalist's own, the intensity of the moment undeniable.

The words sat on the air for a few moments, crackling with the possibility of all that could potentially come from them. When, at long last, Toshi responded, it was with the smallest outward breath, a minute shake of his head, and the faintest quirt of his lips. "Have you really been foolish enough to believe I never knew?" Toshi withdrew his hand, pulling the ring free and placing it in his palm before opening it toward Yoshiki. "This should have told you years ago, spoke to you in the way that words never could have back then."

"But Kaori-"

"But Kaori, nothing," Toshi returned quietly. "It shouldn't be news to you what the tabloids say, I know you follow them more than any of us ever have."

"Then it's all been true? She was with _him_ and not with you?" Yoshiki asked, a small frown painting his lips as a single finger slid out to slide around the ring before retracting.

"Yes." Toshi shrugged. "Don't ask me why I allowed it. Maybe it was easier than admitting the truth to the public or maybe I was just a glutton for her punishments. But we will say that if I had married her within the bounds of this country, it could have been annulled." He slipped his ring back on and picked up his knife and fork to cut the fish, starting in on the dinner that had been so lovingly prepared by Yoshiki's staff.

Following suit, Yoshiki took a bite of his own fish, chewing it slowly as he contemplated the many meanings of that statement, as well as the most obvious portion of it. The rest of their dinner was spent in relative silence; the clink of silverware upon china and the gentle clink of crystal against wood the only sounds aside from the occasional compliment on the meal, just loud enough to reach the ears of the girl in the other room.

Once their meals were finished, Yoshiki led the way out into the living room, the pair of the settling on the couch, perhaps closer than they had been in years. When he did choose to talk, it was only after the American girl had cleaned up and left for the evening. "Are we even going to play this game or should we just admit where this is going?"

Huffing out a little laugh, Toshi reached for Yoshiki's hand. "While the game, as you call it, had always been fascinating, I find no reason to play it with someone I've known nearly forty years at this point."

"Forty two, actually," Yoshiki returned quietly. "Forty three in July. Remember? We met at that ridiculous little camp our parents decided we needed to attend..."

"The one up in the hills, yes I recall. Has it really been that long?"

"Time passes faster when you're old," Yoshiki returned, a grin finally sliding onto his lips. "And it flies when you're having fun."

They were silent until Toshi finally stood up, gently tugging Yoshiki to his feet as well. Sliding an arm around his waist, he steered him toward the stairs. "If I recall, your bedroom was somewhere up these stairs, was it not?"

"And here I expected just a little beating around the bush from you," Yoshiki returned, though his tone made it clear he didn't mind in the least.

"I'd rather time stand still for a few minutes, wouldn't you?" As they mounted the stairs, he pulled his phone free of his pocket, turning it off. "Do me the biggest favor and return this one tonight. In the morning, the world can interrupt us once again."

Yoshiki was quiet as he turned his own off as well, tossing it on his dresser once they reached his room. When he turned back around, already reaching for the buttons on his own shirt, he asked the only question he could fathom mattered in these moments. "And in the morning... where will we be?"

Toshi's fingers gently took over the job of unfastening the pearled buttons on the other's dress shirt. "In a whole new world from the one we've been living in." He finished the last one and waited on Yoshiki to look up at him. When he did, he gave him the biggest smile he could muster. "I'm moving here... to LA. I applied and I'm allowed to stay as long as I find work and return to renew the visa."

Yoshiki's fingers briefly touched Toshi's cheek before he shrugged off his shirt and unfastened his belt, allowing his pants to slip down his slim hips and pool in the floor. Even as he moved to the bed, he could feel Toshi's gaze on him, just sense the way he followed only a pace or two behind, his own clothing falling off along the way. And as they fell into bed, naked bodies meeting for the first time, Yoshiki felt as though he had found what peacefulness felt like for the first time in his entire life. Too long he'd lived in denial and pain, withholding the one thing that could have soothed so many of life's wounds from himself. And why? Because he'd been too stubborn to open his mouth and speak the words he'd freed from his very soul tonight?

Even as Toshi gently manipulated his body into cooperating, he could feel nothing but tenderness from the other. Between them there was nothing but patience and pleasure, no frustration or desperation. Somehow in all their years of holding this back it wasn't the dam one might have expected it to be. Even as they opened the flood gates all that passed was a slow trickle, the tender burn of a log in the fireplace on a cold afternoon. The flame of passion was there, but it was gentle with them in a way he'd never experienced with another.

In the moments before Toshi entered him, Yoshiki found he had never been further on top of the world in the whole of his life. Even the monuments his career had climbed to could never amount to the way the other looked at him and the satisfaction that slid through his veins as the felt the gentle stretch of his body allowing the other's passage within. When they moved, it was with an age old rhythm, one he hadn't expected to find so easily but that seemed to blossom naturally between them. When he lost it, it was as if he'd shed the skin of old and moved forward into a bright, new future, one full of hope and clarity. Maybe better than all of that, the moment he looked into Toshi's eyes, the other still moving over him, he knew it would be that way for him as well. And nothing could have struck him harder in that moment than to be grateful for every moment he was given, no matter how late in life he'd found his place. Because this... this was living.


End file.
